01.04.202X - Worry

Worry

You're my friend.
You're my friend.
You're my friend.
You're my friend.

Why did she have to say it?

Why?

Everything was going so well – maybe Katie would even have forgiven her for what she'd done, but...

God, she hated that word so much.

So fucking much.

Or, no, it wasn't the word, not as such. Instead, it was her warped, diseased, disgusting brain that refused to accept it. That made her want to cry and complain like the pathetic attention whore she was whenever she heard it. And that reaction never failed to remind her just how hopeless she was, how far gone she was, bursting into tears every time she remembered that something as simple and ordinary as a friend was out of her reach.

Me. A 'friend'. I wouldn't wish myself on my worst fucking enemy. What the fuck was Kate even thinking? When I'm not busy being useless and stupid I'm busy hurting her feelings. Maybe Katie's too nice. She doesn't understand a fuck-up like me, and I hope she never has to.

But why was it like this?

Simple – she didn't deserve friends. She'd been a loser – at best – before the outbreak, and now she was a liability, as well. A drain. A parasite. She'd try to tell people that they're making a terrible mistake, that they should just cut all contact and leave her, that she's not valuable enough to try to take care of, she's not worth the time or effort they put in because she'll never get better.

But I never say that, not unless I have to. Because I'm selfish and disgusting and want to gorge myself on the attention like the leech I am, because I'm still delusional enough to think that there's anything worth salvaging in this mess.

And what happened, without fail, whenever someone told her that they were friends? They'd follow it up with 'I'm worried about you' or something similar, and those four words always felt like the last coffin nails being hammered into place. Those were the worst possible words she could imagine.

There wasn't any point in worrying about her, she'd just disappoint everyone anyway. And she could taste the disappointment, the failure she was, every single time as vivid and painful as the first.

No.
There wasn't any hope.

Not for her.
Katie deserved better.
And yet she kept being selfish.

Disgusting.
He should have killed me like he threatened to.
At least he knew what kind of creature he was dealing with.
At least he didn't try to hide it behind mock concern.
'You're three warm holes and nothing more.'
That's the only way I can be useful.

But still...

 

Why did it have to hurt so much?

If you deserved respect, people would treat you with respect.

Why did she have to bleed so much?

Who cares if an ugly cow like you bleeds a little?

Why did he have to pretend to be nice?

Because you still can't handle the truth.

You still don't understand how worthless you are.

Because everybody around you still has to coddle you, because you have the emotional control of a child.

At least she'd learned how to cry quietly. She was pretty good at that. The old barn was a suitable place, as well – perfect for an animal like her. A filthy fucking sow like her. It was cold, she'd forgotten Katie's hoodie. Good. She deserved it. Katie would probably have to just burn it and get a new one. It would never be as good as it once was – not to even speak of the bed-sheets.

What the fuck was she even thinking last night? That she could just waltz into someone else's room, as a guest in their house, and then come and despoil their one place of comfort? It probably stank like her now.

Fucking weirdo. It's not gonna take long for Katie to finally snap. And when she does, you'll deserve everything that she does to you.

Heavy boots stomping on rotten wood. Kate sounded winded. Maybe she was finally going to do the right thing. Beat her bloody and leave her lying in the freezing air.

“S-Sayori! You... you don't ha-have to... please, the wood's not that important...” Good job. She's sad now. “Y-you... a-are you... God, Sayori, I w-was so fucking worried about you...”

 

And there it was.
The world wasn't fair.
It would never be.
She was meant to suffer.

She tried to hold it in, she'd already wasted enough time crying, but when Katie kneeled down behind her and wrapped her arms around Sayori's bony shoulders it felt like someone had ripped a band-aid off her heart, fire burning through her chest.

“...p-please... d-don't say th-that...”

She could barely get the words out, her breaths were shaky and her hands were shaking and her entire body was shaking and she wanted to scream and slash her arms open and hug Katie and

“...i-it hurts... wh-when you... s-say t-that...”

And now she wasn't coherent anymore, shaking and shivering, curling herself up into a ball, holding onto Katie's arms for dear life, trying to sob and gasp for breath as silently as she could so maybe Katie wouldn't notice but she noticed, of course she did, and now she had made Katie even sadder and she wanted to just get sucked into the ground and disappear and have everyone forget she even existed.

“Sayori, y-you're...” A sniffle. “...Christ you're cold, we... we need to get you in, it's okay, it's gonna be okay, just... p-please come with me.”

“...Katie...” Sayori wiped at her burning eyes, the dust and grime from the mistreated floor now sticking to her face.

“Y-yeah? If there's-”

She unlinked Katie's arms from around her and turned around a little, trying her best to make eye contact. Everything was so blurry. Maybe it was better that way. She couldn't bear to see Katie sad.

“D-do you... l-like... hurting me?”

It's okay if you do.

That's much smarter than holding out false hope for me.

 

“N-No! NO!” It was equal parts fear, disgust, and shock. “...Sayori, I w-would never...”

“Then... why?” You can hurt me, if you want to. I don't mind. “Why do you have t-to say stuff like... l-like that?”

“I, I...” Kate took a deep, shuddering breath, evidently trying to calm herself. “...No. I don't want to... hurt you. I know it hurts to hear, but...”

She shook her head, a grim look on her face.

“I can't leave it unsaid, either. Believe me, hurting you... that's the l-last thing I'd ever want to d-do. Ever.” She took a shaky breath, unsure of whether to reach out towards the girl curled up in front of her, or to let her be. “I... I want to see you... happy. I want you... to finally see what I mean, some day.”

“...why?” I'm not worth the effort. Tell her.

Kate stood still for a moment, her mouth opening and closing, almost as if she was going to say something, and...

Don't. Please.

She didn't. But truth be told, the hug almost felt worse.

You don't deserve this.
You never will.
She knows what you are.
How many days is it going to take before she gives up?
Before she realizes she can't fix you?
Before she finally understands that you can't be fixed?

“I'm... s-sorry...” Kate only squeezed her tighter amid ragged breaths, trying her best to somehow comfort the girl. “...I d-don't wanna be l-like this...”

“It's okay, you don't... you don't have to-”

“I keep d-doing stupid things a-and... saying stupid things, and... and...” Sayori finally caught her breath. “..I guess I... keep being stupid.”

This was familiar territory, now. It was almost like a mantra of sorts – a parasite in her mind, a weight lashed to her back. And yet, despite all that, despite how much it hurt...

At least it was familiar. Comforting, even.

As long as you kept believing nothing would ever get better you'd always be right.

 

The silence was thick, thick enough to feel. Every rustle, every slight cough, every little shift – every little human noise one would normally make felt embarrassing, shameful, even. She didn't know if it was because she preferred the silence over the token sympathy and promises of 'it' getting better, or if it was because her head felt completely devoid of things to reply with, but the trepidation was there, all the same.

Unlaced red Converse dangling off the hayloft, shuddering in the chill, she idly wondered if she could pull off landing on her head and breaking her neck from this low a height, or if that same fucking biological imperative would rip her away at the last moment, like it always did.

But that's all it was. Idle musings. She was far too much of a coward for that, anyway.

The chilly April wind blew through the cracks in the wall, and Sayori shivered involuntarily.

 

Right.
It was spring.
New beginnings, and all that.
Flowers and stuff.
Living like a cherry petal.
The chrysanthemums wouldn't be around before autumn.

“D'ya...” Kate coughed awkwardly. “You want my jacket?”

Sayori shook her head.

Oh, right. It's dark.

“N-no. You can keep it.” Maybe the darkness wasn't that bad. Maybe her smile could pass. “I'm... fine.”

A moment passed, heavier than ever.

“Fine, huh?”

The tone didn't go unnoticed, although she pretended not to hear it. Why did Katie have to bring that up? There wasn't any point in talking about it. That was just how it was. Life sucks, and then you die. Blood, death and taxes. Maybe the next iteration would turn out for the better.

“...yeah.” She sighed, suddenly very tired. “Katie... I don't wanna argue about this. Not anymore. Not now.”

“Yeah... I know. And I'm not gonna.” The nurse gave a muffled, mirthless huff, slumped over, her legs to her chest. 

Another quiet moment.

“You probably get this a lot, but... yeah. Been there.”

“Mm.” I guess you have. Sorry about that. “I'm... sorry to hear that. Are you... feeling any better?”

Truth be told, the words felt more like a formality than anything. So, instead of token sympathy, she'd get the usual-

“I'm not gonna turn this into... you know. A pissing contest.” ...Yeah. That. “We've all got our own beetles, and we've all got our own boxes, yeah? I just...”

“...you know.” No. I don't. “I know how it feels, on some level, at least. Pushing people away because you're scared of... disappointing them. Somehow.”

Kate shrugged, and while Sayori didn't really feel like replying, she did feel... not surprised. No, that wasn't it. On a planet of over eight billion people it was rather a question of when, not if, you'd meet someone struggling with similar issues.

Still, it did feel better than what she'd expected to get.

“And – yeah. You know it's not logical, that you're just scaring yourself silly over nothing, but... that doesn't make it go away.” No, it doesn't. But why wouldn't it be logical? “I dunno. Maybe it's different for you. Maybe I sound like I'm full of shit. Maybe I am.”

 

“You're... you're not...” Where did that come from?

It took her a while to realize her hand was on Katie's shoulder.

“I... I mean, I kinda think... you know, the same way a lot of the time, and...”

Why was she so eager to suddenly dispel that notion? Why did she come bounding like an obedient dog every time someone looked the least bit sad?

She'd heard the proverb about not lighting yourself on fire what felt like hundreds of times already, she'd spout it word-for-word to others with as much conviction in her heart as she could muster, yet whenever the smiles turned upside down she was always there, first in line, lighter fluid and matchbox in tow.

Why was she so willing to ignore herself as long as everyone around her was fine?

Then she felt Katie's hand on her own, and saw the hint of a very familiar smile in the darkness, and she remembered.

The silence, while still present, was far more amicable now. Sayori had finally relented and accepted the offer, the heavy olive parka draped around her shoulders as much a source of comfort as of warmth. It smelled nice. Outdoorsy. Too bad there weren't any good ways of saying that.

“I remember a pretty good metaphor I saw once. You know, about all of this stuff.”

“Oh?”

“Yeah. The one where you're on a highway.” Oh. That one. ”You're out of gas and just keep pushing your car while everyone else keeps whizzing past, and the moment someone stops to ask you if you need help... you tell them it's fine. Nothing to worry about.”

“...yeah. Pretty much.” Or like drifting underwater. “It... does feel that way, sometimes.”

Or always.

“I dunno. Sorry, I'm rambling, but my point is...” Kate fell quiet, before continuing in a slow, measured tone. “It's... not a race. And, I mean, it's not a highway, as much as it feels like everyone else is speeding past you, and...”

Kate shook her head and smiled to herself. “You know, this is the issue with trying to use metaphors for life. It gets too simplistic. And aphorisms don't work if they're too complex.”

“Uh... form before function?”

“Kinda. Anyway, I'm not a mechanic, if you will, and I barely know how to keep my own car running, but...” She cast a hopeful glance towards Sayori, and this time the girl could almost feel the smile. “I can keep you company while you figure it out.”

“You...” She shook her head, unable to stifle the tear-streaked grin crawling onto her face. “That was... the worst execution of a metaphor I have ever heard.”

“Well, it was an execution, at least.” Kate slowly rose to her feet, brushing dust off her butt. “An attempt was made. Besides, I'm not the one grinning like an idiot.”

“Hm.” Tired, yet not completely unamused.

Sayori slowly followed Kate's example, giving her aching legs a few quick pats. Maybe it was the crying. That always seemed to reset her, to unwind the machinery a little. She'd read her fair share of self-help books and analyses back when she still found the energy to rage against the dying of the light, and one terribly-executed metaphor definitely wasn't turning her life around, any time soon.

Still...

Curiosity, again. Like flicking a switch.

“S-so...”

“So... what?” Kate had stopped in place, head turned, one foot on the first step down.

A deep breath. The million-dollar question.

“Does... does it get... better?”