20.06.202X - Recollection

Recollection

Starshiy Leytenant Mishka Sokolova gazed at the sleeping girl with a mix of confusion and bemusement. Waking up to someone hugging her was… unfamiliar, perhaps? An uncommon occurrence, in any case. She’d shared sleeping bags before, shivering in a sodden ranger grave behind enemy lines, waking up now and then to the rumble of distant artillery fire, but that had been different. The only similarity was the soft static buzz of a military radio.

 

It was like the difference between scarfing down half-frozen ration bars and eating a piece of chocolate. One was mechanical, almost forced, something the body did to sustain itself and keep fighting. The other was something you could think about, savor, enjoy, but…

Too much chocolate makes you fat.

Another uncommon — albeit less so — occurrence was the IV drip running a steady stream of room-temperature saline into her right arm. Happy birthday. There had apparently been another drip inserted as well, she could see faint track marks on the back of her hand if she squinted. Strange.

The pain was, sadly, less uncommon. 

Her everything hurt — her jaw and cheeks felt like they were smoldering, there was a dull ache going through her right shoulder, her legs felt like they’d been forced through a meat grinder and her right thigh was thickly wrapped in gauze. 

Naturally, thirst had elected to make an appearance as well, joined by a slight pang of hunger. Old friends, together again.

 

She was strangely tired — a glance out through the cracks between the boards on her bedroom window told her that it was evening already — the sky was a deep purple. Had she slept all day after they-

After they…

After we…

Bedford? There was a helicopter, I think. We…

 

Try as she might, she couldn’t quite recollect how she’d ended up in her bed. She remembered riding shotgun through Bedford Falls, Sayori at the wheel as reckless as ever, then crashing into something and… gunfire? 

And then they…

We drove back? No, there was fog, I think. I remember walking. Green pea soup like the mess hall food. Sayori’s face was… strange? But she was wearing a mask — how did I see her face from…

 

No, we couldn’t drive, there were hordes came back of them, countless deadmen, they pulled me down and tried to bite me and overrun we had to escape somehow, didn’t we? We couldn’t have walked, not from Bedford all the way to Muldraugh, no way, the forest would be too thick and my rifle would be useless and I couldn’t have walked that well deadman bit my leg and we’d practically have to be holding hands the entire way just to keep track of each other with the fog and oh my God how long has it been? 

I don’t remember.

“Sayori?” Her voice was hoarse, raspy. No pain. Liar. 

No response, either.

She gently shook the snoozing japonski, trying to keep her voice as soft as possible. 

“Hey, hey… Sayori…”

Her eyes slowly creaked open, dried tears and faded red paint and bruise-like eye bags. Blue. An expression, first of confusion, then shock, then bewilderment, then something halfway between a smile and a sob and a pair of veiny arms around her body, squeezing the air out of her. 

“...Mish?” The girl seemed to be holding back tears all of a sudden. Why? “You’re awake?”

“Yes, I’m… awake-'' She tried, with a slight smile.

“Please never do that again, Mish, please, I was so worried, I didn’t know what to do, I thought you were g-gone and, and…” Do what? Gone? Why were you worried? “I thought… Oh thank God…”

Sayori let her head rest on Mishka’s chest for a moment, taking deep breaths all the while. Coherent breathing? Anxiety attack? Why is she so thin? What happened to her?

“Wh-what do you mean, exactly?” She had to clear her throat. The thirst was painfully obvious, but still manageable. Liar. ”Do what? What’s wrong?”

“Everything! You were trying to claw your own face off, you weren’t talking to me at all, you…” Sayori sighed. “God, I was so fucking worried about you…”

I tried to claw my own face off? 

Mishka carefully ran her fingers over her jaw, cringing at the feeling of pressure on the — still fresh? — wounds. But why? Battle of Tula. It doesn’t make sense. Shrapnel from an 80mm mortar. 

“...Sayori?” The girl perked up, staring into her eyes with an intensity she didn’t expect. “What day is it?”

“It’s the 20th of June. Half past eight, if…” Impossible. Absolutely not.

“How… how long have I been…” Somehow, everything became a lot harder to put into words. Five days. Of dissociated haze. 

“We… we got back from Bedford on the 16th. Late evening, I think.” Sayori looked away, rubbing her chin in thought. “We… had to ditch the Hummer, and you… you dropped Izzy’s old FAL when a rotter snuck-”

“Izzy’s FAL?” Oh no. Oh no no no. Her voice was barely a hoarse, painful whisper. The keychain… “I… I lost…”

Mishka fell silent. You fucked up again. First it was Fedir’s Kalash and now it’s Izzy’s FAL.

“M-Mish? It’s okay, we can… we can go get it back later!” Sayori’s enthusiasm wasn’t particularly contagious. “I swear, we… I fixed up another Hummer, we can… we can drive there, we can search the area, h-however long it takes!”

“Yeah.” No. It’s gone. You’ll never get it back. You’ll never get her back.

Sayori fell silent as well, awkwardly gazing at the floor.

“I’m s-sorry.” She gave the impression of wanting to be anywhere but there at the moment. The mood in the room had changed in an instant. “I… I fucked up. Got… too distracted. S-slammed into a roadblock.”

“No, Sayori, you don’t…” Mishka sighed. She had nobody else to blame but herself. “Don’t be sorry. You didn’t do anything wrong, mistakes… happen.”

Like me. I’m happening to you, right now.

“...yeah, but…” Sayori took a deep breath. “Mistakes shouldn’t happen consistently. Remember Refordville, when you got heatstroke? I plowed into a wreck and tore the stitches in your leg before we even got out of fucking Muldraugh.”

“The heatstroke wasn’t your fault, Sayoshka.” The nickname rolling off Mishka’s tongue seemed to perk the girl up, somehow — she could feel that familiar curious gaze returning, scanning. “It’s the first rule of combat. Murphy’s law.”

“Yeah, but…” Sayori didn’t seem completely convinced, but didn’t seem like she was up for pressing the attack any further. “...still.”

They sat in silence for a moment. Mishka almost expected her thoughts to be racing, but she felt… surprisingly calm. Why?

Sayori cleared her throat.

“Anyway, uh… we… when we… retreated, I lost my journal and… broke most of the Zomboxivir ampoules…” Sayori sounded defeated. “The… fog came in, we were both pretty… fucked up. Had a rough night.”

There was something there now, something that gnawed at Mishka’s mind. Hazy, spotty, faded, like a memory of a movie she’d watched as a child. 

                                                         It’s been so long

We were walking through woods

My joints burned

 Something bad is happening.

 

But she didn’t know if she could afford to fixate on that now. 

 

Keep moving

I could see colors swirling in the fog—                 bright lights around my eyes

I felt like I’ve been here before

 

She could mull over it later.

We stopped—             I couldn’t understand Sayori

Her face was morphing and contorting

I could see her face collapsing in on itself

The grass and trees looked like plastic

My hands felt like wood

 

I can think about this later.  can't can't can't can't can't can't can't can't

 

My brain feels like mush

Someone has opened my skull and stirred it

I can’t feel anything

I’m not here

 

When Sayori’s not here. now now now now now now now now now

 

Propeller

I’m not here

No-one is here

Please

Please don’t find me

 

“...there were just too many of them, we had to get away, you know?”

My face feels hot

It’s burning

“...got back home and you changed out my bandages, so I returned the favor, but you seemed kinda…”

 

Sayori smiled at me

I was holding bandages

You will be alright

She looks exhausted

She swirls yellow and red

Like fireworks

My hands are numb

I must be tired

Sayori is holding my arm

She is talking– to me?

You are slipping

Focus on the room

 

“...I swear to God I didn’t know… I thought you had turned… I’m s-so sorry…”

 

The ceiling is white

The bear is brown

The barricade is brown

My shirt is red

Sayori’s hair is pink

focus

You are lying down

It is soft

Sayori’s hair is gray

Izzy’s hair is brown

“...came to… hang out with you, I guess, and we… I kinda just sat and talked and… and played cards…”

 

You’re fucking delusional

You are the problem

You cannot help

You only make people suffer

You make excuses

She told you the truth

She doesn’t lie

She has never lied to you

She knows who you really are

She knows you will abandon her

You only stay because she hasn’t told you to leave yet

Follow orders like the dog you are

Never thinking for yourself

Disloyal

Backstabber

Betrayer

You have no right to friends

Useless

“...there was a helo flying overhead and you just disappeared again, I… k-kinda lost it…” 

My hands are wet

My face is hot

Everything is cold

How long have I been here?

This is wrong

I can’t move

My legs are rock

It’s dark

You will die here

Quietly

Away

She never comes here

She was fine before you showed up

She doesn’t need you

She never needed you

The failure

“...haven’t really been sleeping all that much, or eaten too much, been kinda b-busy…”

It’s been so long

I can smell something sweet

Its familiar

Someone is holding my hand

How am I still here?

 

“...you had another attack, or something… had to drive down to Bedford to get you some benzos…”

Pain

There’s pain

So much

I can feel my hands–         my legs,     my face–

Lightning is crackling through my skin

I want to get it out

Release it

Release it

MOVE

ANYTHING

DO ANYTHING

The world is pulsating red and purple

Am I in my room?

Was it always this bright in here?

The pain won’t leave

Something is screaming

Am I screaming?

Where was I before?

Everything is burning

Everything is too tight

Pull it apart

Layers

I am so heavy

 

“...had to put the mask on you by force, you were s-struggling so hard… you were so out of it, you…”

There is a     thing     in the doorway

No

NO

Please—

The pain is worse

The         thing

What did I do

This isn’t my room

The bed smells of blood

Mama

My blood is boiling

It's in my face and ears

In my hands

My head is pounding

I can’t move

That     thing    might be here

I need to move

My leg is burning

 

“...came back with the clonazepam and… couldn’t get it into your vein and the cannula was out…”

It’s back

IT’S BACK

MOVE

NO

PLEASE

DON’T TOUCH ME

GET AWAY

MOVE

MOVE

MOVE

MOVE

                  MOVE

 

“...jabbed your thigh with the needle. Think you might have a bruise developing, but nothing worse…”

 

           move

                  

“...but you’re here now, you’re back, and… I d-don’t know… I don’t…”

 

sayori

 

 

 

 

 

 

“I don’t… know what I’d do without you. If I… lost you. If I… i-if I had to bury you…” Sayori sniffled and smiled at her. “I’m so happy you’re back.”

Mishka blinked, then blinked again, and then wrapped Sayori — Sayoshka — in the tightest hug her protesting arms could manage.