02.06.202X - 05.06.202X - Jonestown

11:00 02/06/202X 18C

Broke down yesterday.
Broke down bad.

I've been bottling up all these feelings I've had from before the outbreak, shoved them to the side-lines, tried to concentrate on the here-and-now, but...

Sometimes it's just too much, you know.
Too much to hold in.

The levee breaks, and all of a sudden you're a blubbering mess of self-hatred and despair and you just want someone to be there.

Mish was there.

 

Her English isn't perfect, not yet, but she was there, and she understood.
She held my hand, and told me that everything would be alright, and that it's okay to ask for help when you need it.

I cried, a bit.

Told her about the trip to Louisville, and what he did to me, and stuff from my childhood and my youth and...

She was there, with me, through all of it.
Every single God-forsaken, horrid moment.

When I went to bed I felt so much better, no drugs needed.

No nightmares, either.

I cried before bed, though.

Mish (I've taken to calling her that) feels like someone I should have met a long time ago.
The kind of person that you'd wish the world was full of.

I gave her the friendship bracelet, as well. Felt awkward, but I had to do it. She seemed appreciative.

I'm happy.

-Sayori


18:10 03/06/202X 22°C

 

Summer heat's rolling in hard.

Yesterday, me and Mish decided we both needed more writing stuff.
Journals, notebooks, pencils and the like. Figured we'd head down to the school at Rosewood and see if we could find anything.

Also planned on disassembling some of the plumbing in there for the piping, and getting our hands on more door hinges.
Those things are worth their weight in gold.

I drove, as usual, and let Mish nap in the other seat. Kept the music down and the speed low so she'd have time to rest before we got to Rosewood.

Also went and did the rounds around my old stash house, a little farm north of Rosewood.
Mish had misplaced her FAL mags somehow, so I was thinking we'd try our luck there.

No dice, and it seems there was another survivor in the area, since the door had been barricaded.

Well, considering how empty Rosewood was, nothing particularly interesting happened, and we worked through both the evening and the night.

Even caught a glimpse of that possible survivor in the corner of my eye, but he ran off, despite our best efforts.
Must have been spooked by the gunshots.

Mish has clearly learned how to use a stick welder, and the wire fence around the new palisade is almost done.

Our next source for pipes is either Bedford Falls or the plumbing in the houses nearby.
Secretly hoping for the latter, although icing a couple rotters wouldn't be too bad.

Still, can't help shaking this sudden feeling of paranoia, like something's not right.


Found another corpse that looked just like me at the school parking lot, burned the body.

I sometimes don't know what the fuck is going on.

When we were on the way back I had to pull aside for a moment.
I felt pain, more intense than anything I'd ever felt in my life.
Tried to ask Mish to give me some morphine, but I could barely get a word out.

It felt like I was on fire.
Like my whole body was burning to a crisp.
Fat dripping, flesh melting, nerves screaming.

Then, it stopped, as soon as it began.


We got back safe, I unloaded the car while Mish welded up the fence, and...

Yeah.

Hoping it doesn't happen again.


-Sayori Takahashi

 

 -INTERMISSION - DIARY OF LT. MISHKA SOKOLOV, RUSSIAN REPUBLIC ARMED FORCES


02/06

I'm realised how long I'd gone without having someone I'd consider a friend.
Sayori had a mental breakdown - all I could really do is listen - my English leaves me when I'm stressed.
I listened - The girl has been through some horrible experiences.

So much has changed since the outbreak, almost like this is our only world now.
Part of me hopes it's just KY, but considering I saw a growing panic, I think the death has spread.
It's making me think of my life before all of this happened - it doesn't feel like a real memory - the life of a survivor feels like all I've ever done now - I know it's not true.

I hope my father is one of those roaming corpses.

I hope he feels pain as the flesh falls off his bones in the cold rain.

He doesn't deserve the mercy of being shot.

I should have never let Izzy take his offer, but then again, the only option for us was to have her go to university - or have her working in the village or joining the military with me.
I didn't want to do that to her - I wanted her to be happy and free, with enough money to live and have a family - one that keeps together.

She told me that his new wife is lovely and they get on really well.

She was - whenever I'd get leave, we'd spend at least one day in the capital having coffee or - Izzy's favourite, the polytechnic museum.
I still remember the wonder on her face whenever we'd walk in - at first I think she just liked looking at the old mechanical things and the engines - later on she started actually understanding what things were.
That man didn't deserve such a wonderful woman.

I'll believe he has changed when I see it.

I'd still check Iz for marks.


Why couldn't you be a father to me?

I haven't told Sayori any of this - it's my pain to bare.
Maybe someday I'll break and tell everything to the world.


Sayori gave me a friendship bracelet - I nearly cried, though I'm sure my face didn't show it very well - I can give my smiles at least - She's started calling me 'Mish' - Sounds similar to when Izzy would call me 'Misha' when she couldn't make the 'K' noise.

I like it.

I'm not good at coming up with nicknames.

I decided to go with how mama named everything - "__-shka" so - "Sayoshka"
It's not shorter but it rolls off the tongue better (for me at least)



03/06

Curse this disgusting heat.

Sayori Sayoshka writing it looks weird.
I'm going to stick to writing Sayori

Sayori says that the heat is only going to get worse.
My old squad told me how hot it can get here - I'm not looking forward to it.
Summers at home would usually get to 30°C - apparently they can get up to 35°C - I start to feel like I'm dying around 23°C.

I'm very worried about the gear situation - I won't be able to wear the same amount of protection as I normally would - I've already gotten bitten on my hand (it healed and I'm still alive! Sayori No.1 doctor in Kentucky) - the one part of my body I didn't have any protection on.
Imagine what could happen if I'm not wearing a jacket, or proper leg cover...

Sayori runs around in a sports top and shorts - I could never. I'd feel so exposed.
Maybe it's because I grew up in uniform - The academy was always freezing apart from the dorms, and even then we had to stuff the gaps in the window with tissue and cotton wool.

Sayori also said I should start grabbing clothing to wear during downtime - I've never really needed to think about stuff before - even when I was with Izzy and Yulia, it was accepted that academy kids would wear their uniform outside.
I had a hoodie, t-shirt and leggings that Izzy got me for when I was home with her - I'd just been wearing the clothing I had when I was a child - Most of it still fit.

Maybe I'll copy what Izzy used to wear?

I worry - what if a deadman gets in while we're out of our gear?
I worry that leaving a piece of equipment behind is going to be the death of me - If I die, I want it to be by old age, or by my own hand.

I wont give these corpses the satisfaction of tearing me apart.


Getting better at using the stick welder - worked on the palisade again.
I think my nutrition is getting better - I can lift so much more now - I'm not getting as tired now either.
Feels like how I used to be in training.

Maybe American rations were not as good as the instructors said they were. Now I know why a lot of the old squad didn't eat everything.

So much sugar.

Do they make pickles sweet by pumping sugar into them? I should ask.

 



22:20 04/06/202X 23°C


Finished the inside fence on the palisade, erected the watchtower, built a passageway underneath the bridge leading to the storage lot.

Not feeling too good.

Not sick, just mentally... off, I guess.

Me and Mish are gonna head down south now. There's this little university town there which might be worth clearing out a bit.

Feeling really low-energy, but...

But.

Gotta do it.



This place feels like a ghost town.

It's just me and Mish at the moment, we stopped constantly manning the walls since we ran out of manpower.
Harris is off disassembling, Rufus is out foraging, and soon Fort Muldraugh is going to stand completely empty.

No reports back from the Fort Rosewood crew.
No sign of Jenna and Ems, either.

But that's enough about that.

Don't want to think about it too much.

-Sayori

 

-INTERMISSION - DIARY OF LT. MISHKA SOKOLOV, RUSSIAN REPUBLIC ARMED FORCES

 


04/06

Being out in 25C is horrible
Being out in 25C is even worse when youre using a sledgehammer

I'm not wearing body armour and I'm sweating
Its disgusting
I suppose if it rains the showers will be nice instead of giving you a cold

Planted more potatoes - I know Sayori said that they have enough but you should always expect your stocks to run out over winter.
Also I'd rather not be eating packaged American food over winter - my stomach will shrivel and fall out. 

 



09:30 05/06/202X 20°C

 


The raid went well.
Went in around 01:00, left around 07:30.

Mish found herself a Defender she really likes. I prefer the old Hummer myself.

Wasn't really a looting run, but we did find some odds and ends, canned food, drinks, electronics, that sort of thing.

Proper journals, most importantly.
I'm sick of scrawling in notebooks, they fill up too quickly.

After we got back to base I thought we'd unload the Hummer together, but Mish went over to Izzy's grave and just... sat there.

I took a couple bottles of kvass from the fridge and joined her.


Took off my hat and my hood.

Heard Westerners find it disrespectful when you wear a cover at a funeral or in church, so I took them off, just to be safe.
Mish didn't seem to mind either way, but took off her beret as well.

Foot in mouth, again.


Anyway, we sat there for a while, chatted, shared snacks and stories.
Drank some kvass.

Dunno if it's the drink or the raid, but I'm feeling dead tired.

Writing this in bed.

Still have some stuff to unload and mags to refill, but...


Blegh.
Just wanna sleep.


Still, I feel a lot better now.

Appreciated, I guess. Nothing like some good old-fashioned ultra-violence to take your mind off the horrors of everyday life.
Even better when it's with someone you know will keep you covered while reloading.

Also, found an old CD with the Battotai March on it when we were clearing the dorms to the southeast.
Must have belonged to a Japanese exchange student.

Mish didn't appreciate me bellowing out the lyrics over the radio while driving (never had much of a singing voice), and we had a couple close calls since I ran out of ammo and started using a makeshift spear instead.

No sweat for me, but she was cursing about friendly fire.

Have to be more careful in the future.


Still, I guess I kind of understand the Sengoku-period people a bit better now.
Felt pretty satisfying to scream "BANZAI" while charging at the rotters, spear in hand.

Felt even better to show Mish how you properly use a spear.
Girl's too scared of hand-to-hand, I'm telling you.

Still, she's turning into a real marksman (markswoman?), and I think solid food and regular exercise have done her a world of good.

Going to log off here. Still have stuff to unpack and Z's to catch.

-Sayori Takahashi

PS. Thunderstorm coming in three days.
Hope it doesn't last too long.

Helo seems to have disappeared as well.

Thank Christ.
Hope he fucking crashed and burned to death.
 

 

15:30 05/06/202X 20°C

 

Cut my hair this afternoon. Changed into shorts as well.

Already feel much better, it's over 22°C outside, according to my watch.
No wind, either, so it's been sweat city for both me and Mish.

She still refuses to change into anything lighter.

Maybe I should ask her why...

Still, every girl has her secrets, and I don't want to pry too deep.

When we talked at Izzy's grave, she kind of... implied some things.

Or maybe I was just imagining stuff.

Overthinking.

Reading between the lines when there's no lines to be read between.

-Sayori

 

-INTERMISSION - DIARY OF LT. MISHKA SOKOLOV, RUSSIAN REPUBLIC ARMED FORCES


05/06

Went to a place called Jonestown today - I got to name it since the sign was blown to the ground - I was reading a book recently on the jonestown 'coolaid' cult - the name decided to stick.
We found a camo defender - Iz would've been so happy - I've been wondering why they were her favourite car - maybe it was because they come apart like a kit car?
Maybe it's because it's the military aspect - I'll ask eventually.

Killed my first big hoarde - its not as big as the ones I saw when I first left but at least I wasn't hiding this time.

I sat next to Iz after coming back - I didn't get to let her know we were going out earlier. The flowers had bees and a little butterfly fluttering in them.
Sayori sat next to me after a little bit - She suddenly sprinted back inside and came out with a bottle of the filtered kvass we'd been making.

Maybe a full bottle was a bad idea?
I forgot I hadn't had anything in about 4 months - hit me like a brick - woke up with a cold, the works.

Horrible.

Still, it was nice to sit next to Izzy and Sayori.

I wish you were here. Sitting and laughing with me.

I hope you're okay.



PS. I'm should cut my hair - Sayori came into the trailer to critique - maybe I'll ask her to cut my hair - she was very good at it.

We keep having to go into new areas where deadmen are still around - I don't want to get grabbed and its a liability.
I'm not looking forward to gearing down for summer.
Looked more into the clothing situation - I just don't know what I'm looking for.
Maybe I'll just go with things similar to my gym clothes.

Still... kneepads against bare skin 

eughhhh